I don’t even know if it is possible.
I woke up and immediately had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Had I hit send? No, I couldn’t have, that’s so not me….
Yeah. I had hit that lovely little button. I half remember waking from my amitriptyline sleep and posting before closing the lid on my laptop but it was like part of a waking dream or what now feels like a living nightmare. I am normally the voice of considered reason, very rarely do I pass a sweeping judgement on a person and I never advice confrontation or revenge. I certainly have never over stepped my bounds and done so on someone else’s behalf.
But I did. And my internet world imploded and there is not a thing I can do to change it, to fix it, or even to find out how things are now. I, I, I, I. So bloomin’ selfish. This isn’t about me. I might have ripped apart someones family and there is no silver lining to that. The worst part is the friendships that I have lost, the connections to people I have known and leaned upon and (hopefully) supported. A safety line I never knew I needed disappeared before I even woke.
I have no way of apologising or explaining. I *could* message directly but what if that makes things worse? If only there was a way to see, to know, to foretell the impact of my message. Even writing this blog could get back to the injured party and I am terrified of hurting my friends further. It is eating me up inside, the guilt of my mistake. I seem to be doing okay and something happens and I think “ohh, I must share this with…..oh.” I miss seeing pictures of the growing babies and sharing the latest scary/exciting segment of our family journey.
I mucked up. I can’t begin to apologise enough. I’m sorry.
#sorry #fibromyalgia #iapologise